Just before I was about to sink into a black pit of horrible despair.. after having coming back from a depressing day spent with the remnants of my family...
back to a cold, dark house.. alone...the events of the day weighing on me..
the phone rang as soon as I entered my bedroom. It was Adam! Maybe he'd heard my distress signals. heh. He was actually one of the people who crossed my mind.. wondering where he was... but didn't call...
but he called me, and came by 10 minutes later. :)
He kept me company for the rest of the night. we smoked and I clung to him like a lost kitten...
I really needed that. Things have been looking very dark lately... I'm having trouble staying up ... starting to actually get physical depression symptoms now. ugh. :/

I'm so glad that I finally have a good Adam in my life now! The only other one I'd met was back in post-high school and we weren't very close. *shrug*

so yaaaay.

I'm doing the best I can to keep that horrible black feeling away but it's getting harder by the day.. there's only so many people nearby that I can call upon and actually trust..

while the turmoil of things slowly moves forward...
still looking for a new apartment.....
I hope we find one soon, and that will make me feel a whole lot better.
Having somewhere to go aside from the tiny, depressing room at my moms... I'll be spending some time there anyway, but to actually live there would be too much..... right now anyway...
*sigh*
this is not gonna be a great summer..... I truly hope there are some awesome highlights to make up for how much the rest of it will suck. :/

the end

this whole not sleeping thing kinda sucks sometimes.
well, its not that it's so bad in itself... really, I find sleep a waste of time... (when I'm not revelling in it for 12+ hours at a time)..
it's just that I know my human body needs it to function properly for the rest of the day, and therefore I do need some amount of it.
at least I'm getting some band stuff done.
I have way too much fucking shit going on =*(
way too much to deal with....
its like... hey dude, welcome back to your fucking busy-ass life, have a nice vaca??

dammit. I need a clone!!
or at least another personal assistant that I can afford. personal assistant slavez are hard to come by... ones that don't suck, anyway. either solution requires effort and time to find anyway and time is something I don't have a lot of ....
yet I seem to manage to find the time to do the really important shit... then all this stuff with my family crisis now is taking over as well....
goddamn this is a serious uphill climb.
screaming it out in the studio's been great, but that's over tonight.. for awhile..
I was talking with Rick though, and we both sorely need a night of destruction and mayhem, so that's going down next week, hahah... that'll be something to look seriously forward to. :)

well that's it for now I guess. wtf else can I do while I can't sleep? hmmm... getting awfully tired of being at this machine... but can't seem to hold the attention span to read anything...

guess it's computer til I pass out.... wheee....

light, dark... rapid transitioning.... like a fucking yo-yo right now

starting to have depressing doubts about some things..
but at the same time this happens... other, unrelated things start to solidify...

at least there's a balance...

sadly, I didn't find many of the answers I was looking for while here.... I did find a few though, and I'm thankful for that.

I think I've been reverting back into seeing the negative side of everything first... my patience has been thin lately as well. but perhaps it's because of what I'm going through. and it's nowhere near over yet. not by a fucking long shot. I'm also very sad about my hair, its looking quite atrocious now. but I guess that is the least of my worries, really... other people care about it more than I do.

at least I'll be recording some more vocals soon. that will help a fucking lot.

there is a very discouraging, uphill, gloomy path laid in front of me.... and all I'm trying to do is keep from stumbling. I hope I can make it without losing anything more in my life. we'll see I guess... =/

I'm tired of this test .. please let it be over soon.....it's been a very long time now since this began...