snowstorms suck.
I could have done my choice of several things last night, but because it was snowing for about 14 hours, I opted to stay indoors. This went great at first, and I distinctly remember thinking, how nice it was to have some time to myself for the first time in awhile.
but just a couple short hours later I had some kind of mental breakdown, well maybe not a complete breakdown, but it was an extreme sense of panic and being overwhelmed by shit turning 100% upside down on me all of a sudden, out of nowhere.

....

It was only 1 month ago, during a day off that I had and was spending my time leisurely catching up on some things, cleaning house, generally in a good mood.... when I sort of stopped, looked around myself... and had the amazing realization that at that point in my life... I had everything I'd always wanted. I was in the right place, doing the right things, had made several large accomplishments in my life, and had many people around me that I cared about and who cared for me. In younger days, I had wanted and pictured certain things that I would do after I "grew up" a little bit, and up until this moment... I somehow didn't realize that I had accomplished so many of them. I mean.. I'm not a millionare.. but aside from that, there really was not much more that I could ask for at ALL. I realized how blessed I was and felt extremely thankful. Then, as soon as I realized that I had everything I'd ever wanted at this point in my life... it was like something deep inside me had changed. Now that I had everything, what was next? It was simple... I just needed to move further... attain more. I knew then... that this year I would step things up a notch and reach even higher. so, after having this amazing revelation, on this lovely sunny day, I became much happier for the days and couple of weeks that followed. It was as if I had discovered some great, incredible secret that most people haven't found yet - because any time I came in contact with an extremely unhappy person after this, instead of relating to them or letting their emotions have any impact on me, I felt more like I was standing on the sidelines, watching this person and feeling sorry for them and remembering how it felt to be there, like them. I felt sort of like I had evolved, after I had made my revelation. (and I know that not everyone is lucky enough to have experienced this yet, or perhaps ever, so again, I was thankful, more than anything else, that I am AT the point where things are so good). There was a difference now, that I could clearly feel. And, despite a couple of the people closest to me exuding unhappiness and discontent whenever I talked to them, I did my best to try and be extra cheery and nice to them, to try and lift their spirits, hoping they'd somehow realize that things weren't so bad. This was particularly hard with one person, since no matter what I did, it was just impossible to make them feel happy at all... and being they were so close to me, and I thought I was to close to them, it made me sad to think that I couldn't have any positive effect whatsoever... but I tried not to take it personally and just enjoyed my time together with them anyway.

I went about my days with a strange sense of happiness, feeling like I was walkin on clouds and shit. The world was unfolding in front of me, with more and more opportunities to discover. I looked forward to the adventure of the new day, something I hadn't felt for an extremely long time. It was ....so nice...

up until LAST NIGHT, I still had a lot of those feelings intact. (although some were recently lost due to circumstances somewhat beyond my control, its that whole history repeats itself kinda thing though.. I suppose I should have seen that coming and expected it. That's what happens when you put trust in people though... sigh... one of these days I'll learn...)

my day had been going fine, it had just turned to evening a couple of hours prior. I was trying to write.. and having a hard time with it. I have had extreme creative writer's block lately. I dug out some of my work from earlier years and noted how much better it was then. I then began to realize that it's been a pretty long fucking time since I had actually written anything I was remotely satisfied with, much less proud of.

and then, very quickly, it happened.
maybe it was due to being cooped up inside all day/night, maybe it was depleted seratonin supply caused by Addie (although Addie and Mary have had a beautiful relationship together before so I dunno), maybe it was because of the doom snowfall causing a snowed-in type of feeling all day, but all of a sudden the world came crashing down with an intensity I haven't seen for a long time. NOTHING about me was right anymore. I looked around me again, at my surroundings, my belongings, and furnishings... and wondered exactly who the fuck I was, and what the hell I've been doing with myself all this time. I paced back and forth feeling extreme panic setting over me. Who was I?? Looking around me at the things that I have, the things I have done, and built up to, and worked towards... it suddenly was all very meaningless. I also couldn't shake the feeling that none of it was really me at all. Sure, I had some sort of personality carved out. I had set along a certain path and had made some headway in it. But who had made these choices? Ok... I had made them... but why? I didn't seem to really want anything to do with a lot of the things I had worked towards, anymore. The writer's block was just the tip of the iceberg. In fact, I have been plauged with this sort of problem for as long as I can remember. I simply LOOSE INTEREST in things, almost everything I've ever taken an interest in, really. Whatever hobbies or past times or artistic endeavors that I've gotten into..... they just don't seem to stay for all that long.... a few years at most....... so now here I am again?? This thought made me even sadder. If I have truly lost interest in all the things I have done up until this point... where am I supposed to start from now? am I supposed to become a whole new person?

I paced around for awhile longer, having no idea what to do, and feeling as if there was an incredible pressure forming around me. I was dissapointed in myself for the half-assedness of a lot of the things I've done in the last 6 months or so. These things... they are me... but then they are not. I'm playing the role, but not only am I just an actress, but I am becoming a pretty CRAPPY actress in these roles. (well, aside from the A I got in my acting class... aaahah... no no. this is serious heh)

so then I looked inside for a long time and tried to ask what I should do now.. what it is that I DID really want out of life, and what to do with my time, if I didn't want any of the things I've thought that I've wanted....
and it was the same, empty, nothing response that I've met with any time anyone ever asked me what I truly enjoyed and liked to do, or wanted to do with myself. The same nothingness that has been there since I was only a few years old. So....if it's not these things that I had already decided upon.... then what??

nothing of course. fleeting thoughts of EverQuest passed through, and that was pretty much it. I recongized that as the one constant thing that hasn't changed... but there is so much more to life than videogames... isn't there? >< there's supposed to be! and besides, I can't support myself doing that... I could maybe if I was a beta tester, but I've been scouring around for beta testing jobs and there really aren't any in this area at all =/ I certainly don't want to have anything to do with designing or coding them. so yeah. I've thought about that, sure, but... if I spent the next 30 years of my life playing games I think that would be even worse than the situation I'm in now.

I felt fucking awful. I wondered why parts of my brain and soul seemed to have been shut off. I want these things but I don't. Now when opportunities present themselves, instead of being something that I can take easily, I have to struggle for it and might not even make it at all. But apparently, that's because part of me doesn't even want it anymore. It didn't USED to be like this. Things are so much harder now, everything seems to require so much more energy, concentration. Nothing flows as easily anymore. I'm sure some of it has to do with aging but it has to be more than that. There's writing... there's music, and there's even just going out shooting. These parts of myself are shutting off and I don't know if I should try to stop it, or to just let it happen. If I let it happen I am a little frightened by what might take their place, because I have a feeling it's going to be a whole lot of nothing. I CAN'T waste the rest of my youth playing fuckin video games man. There will be sooo sooo much time for that in 15 years when I don't have anything better to do with myself... and will be financially stable... have a family... etc.

luckily, about an hour after my freak out/extreme feeling of emptiness, one of my friends called to see what I was up to. he was driving around nearby after his practice and asked if I wanted some company. although most of me wanted to say no, and stay in my isolated depression, the other part of me was screaming YES, please fucking save me. lol. so we chilled for a bit, had a good time playing Ninja Turtles. lol... yea... gaming >< got SOOO close to fuckin beating the arcade version but fell short just barely. lol. next time dammit. we played the SNES version afterwards too and that one is even more awesome, hahah. so mindless, but I definetely felt better afterwards.

......

today, as soon as I woke up, I started writing a bit... changed/updated some new photos online, and decided to empty out the hard drive of the comp I've been using to make room for writing new songs. I want to find a copy of Acid, since that's what I used to use most and I heart it.
I cleaned my guitars (which I haven't done in fuckin forever) and tried to do some excersizes, but my fingers are so slow now that I couldn't for very long. whatever, tomorrow will be better. oh yeah, I did a bunch of sit-ups too since I've really been neglecting my body lately and that needs to stop too. summer will be here in a few months (finally) and if I'm gonna be out shooting a lot, then I want to look as good as I can :)


so.....
all in all...... I don't think that I need to REALLY start over again. I certainly thought that's what I was looking at last night, but upon getting a good night's rest I think that I just need to put in a little more fuckin effort into the things that I spend my time on. This laziness shit needs to stop. It's true that I have always had this problem of loosing interest in everything that I pick up, and somewhat quickly, at that. But I can't just live with it forever. I need to fuckin weather it even if I don't care about this shit anymore... and I need to continue to care about it despite this tendency.... because it's all I've got.
I will also be keeping an eye out for other things that may stimulate/interest me, but I really have nooo fuckin clue what any of those might be, so... *shrug*.

thinking it's probably time to get a different job, too. the printin thing has been cool and has been very helpful to my endeavors, but... been awhile now... and I'm SURE that there is something much more enriching and fulfilling for me out there, not far away... I just have to look for it. I guess I'll just have to print out mad shizz b4 I leave.. whenever that is... hehe. and hey... at least I've got friends here that can help me out in the future with that, too.

so yeah....
last night wasn't fuckin cool. and I have the fuckin snow storm to thank. goddamn I can't wait for this winter to be over. another 2 months or so...........
le sigh.

this place sux -.-


meh, well I have to attempt to get my a$$ in gear now... got ppl heading over, goin out 4 a bit to the ball I've been waitin for... then maybe partying back here again for a few. I'm LEAVING THE HOUSE! lol... woohoo.