ever tired of this constant weight upon my back
every day, slowly, subtly crushing
the will to breathe
bleak hopelessness, sadly gaze ahead and know
there are many long days ahead
(totally unrelated)




... I was gonna write about this a couple days ago actually, something I've been meaning to write about.
then today another related occurance has just unveiled itself and although I'm going to be late to work, I have to write about it now.


I guess I still have some of the power... some IS left.. to attain some things... sometimes. I am becoming rather fucking amazed by it for I thought it had dissapeared.
About 6 months ago I realized that I needed more friends like me. to be specific... more water friends... as I had none, except for one of my friends from high school, and my mother, who are both Cancer. so I kinda had the Cancer part covered already........I'd never had a good Pisces friend and somehow knew that was what I needed....
weeks and months went by but now...
4 of the 5 people I have just met and befriended recently are Pisces. the other is a Scorpio.... and I've even gained a Pisces as my lawyer...
I'm becoming good friends with all of them. (and Before this group of people I became close with another Scorpio, and an Aquarius!)
I wanted Pisces, and holy shit did I get some fuckin Pisces. heh.


I also began to wish for a helpful person to come along (again)... specifically... to help me with my web endeavors... and in the most unexpected of places, during a night I was dancin at the club... I met that person (water!).... albiet, his time is short and can only help me so much, but I am so sooo very grateful for any help at all. he is helping me with stuff right now and I'm finally going to be able to get some things back in order again.. :)

the other.... the other thing... now this shit is just fucking insane. this is the part that has me freaked out. I wished for this one too and the first time it came true (about a month ago) I was in awe for quite some time... but now... just an hour ago... it's happened again and my mind is blown wide open dude.

I wanted so much to have friends near me again. Not just friends, but people to work with. OMG this is so fucked up.....
since I don't have easy transportation anywhere, I wanted to have someone within walking distance of me.... that I could come and chill with whenever I wanted, or they could come and chill with me......
I even.. .fleetingly.... thought of a specific location... an EXACT BUILDING and thought, "it'd be nice to even have someone... right there...."
and it fuckin happened dude.
The Scorpio friend I have met... lives in THAT BUILDING.
now I don't live in a hugely populated town. It doesn't have much going for it... and I wished for that building sort of like a "yeahh... right about... there... that would be fuckin cool.. but no.. I've never known anyone there before... *sigh..."

that fuckin building. the EXACT spot. this building isn't very big. the whole time I've lived in this area I never knew anyone in it. .....holy fuck. that was profound enough.....
and now... the photographer that I wished to be close to... so that we could work together all the time... and have it be fun and relaxed and... someone I could trust...
he's appeared. someone I worked with a long time ago... and happened to fall back into contact with... on FB of all places.
we made plans to work again, I asked where he was at now... and just read his email to me....
he moved up the street from my fucking house.

...
holy fuck.

I really am blown away. I'm almost in shock, actually.
I was already amazed by the 2 other things - water people being given to me... and then, someone in the EXACT location that I had wanted....
and now this...
wow.
that's all I can say right now is just... wow dude.

the only part that doesn't fit was the other thing I have been longfully wishing for... and that was a simple yet deep one... just to be happy and have an awesome, loving....relationship. A few months ago I thought I was being granted that wish and thought there was a new beginning. My days had rays of sunshine again even when it was dark and raining, it didn't matter. I was so happy and felt like things had turned onto a new page... a new beginning, *I* sure fuckin felt that way about it, myself anyway. but I guess the other person didn't, and too quickly did the happiness wear off for him. much too quickly, before it was just back to the way things were before.. it wasn't special... or anything to be cherished... I was just there, another part of their apparently unhappy life... I didn't stand out. I saw this clearly but maintained hope.. and happiness, just happy for the chance to be next to him. to be with him... just to....look at him. it made me happy.
but nothing had changed for him, and one person can still only be half, and sometimes maybe a little more of the whole... but not all it.
and it didn't last. finally it broke me down after trying to hold on for awhile and just ignore it.. and the reaction I was met with..... only fed into the jagged gap between us....

so... instead of getting that wish, I got the opposite. I wonder if perhaps it had to be that way because maybe there wasn't a way I could have my wish, with that person...

because I know that when you wish hard enough for something... you will get it.... and these other things are nothing, but proof of that.

but for now... I am just so happy... truly... that my other ones are coming true. I am thankful to the universe. and thankful for the power... to be at least somewhat... in control of this life I have been given. and I am all done wishing for anything else right now. The genie has been good to me and I am not one to be greedy :)


... I'm an hour late to work now but I had to get that down...
andddd... on sunday I'm doing a test shoot with my new/old photographer friend... who lives right in my neighborhood now... :)

omg I AM SO HAPPY.... SO fucking happy dude.
wow :)

haha dude.
last night was pretty awesome lol.
Sheldon took me out after class to properly celebrate my recent fuckin' achievements and total... scholarly awesomeness.. hehe... as well as my upcoming plans for the near future. our new buddy Tanya came too!
so... we'd been planning on celebrating this occasion for a little bit now, and I'd been telling Sheldon all along that I wanted... some fuckin NACCHOOOZZZ dude. nachos nachos.... nachoz pls!! booze too of course but... mostly NACHOS.
hahah.
so we went to this place near campus, a mexican-ish place that he'd been to before... and he assured me they had nachos. however, when we were seated and I asked for some nachos, the waitress shook her head and said... "no.. we don't do nachos..."
I did that combo of eyebrow raise/narrow eyes at Sheldon. hahahah. I'm about to get the fuck up and peace out.  (...no fucking nachos in a fuckin MEXICAN resteraunt??  ok..?) He's like... "ok.. miss....we need to figure this out because I promised this lady some nachos... and I won't be able to walk out of here if we can't do that..."
lol so the manager comes over a minute later, I guess Sheldons been chillin w/this guy or whatever cuz he's being all friendly and chit-chatting about this and that, like they're old pals. I tell him whats up, I WANT SOME NACHOS DAMMIT. Sheldon starts boasting and telling this guy of all the assorted l33tness that is basically emanating from me lately. lol.  and the mgr's like... "nooo problem. I'm a nacho guy myself. I can make this happen. check it out."  pulls open the menu and shows me like 3 diff things on their menu to put together to form a gigantic fuckin... nacho buffet dude. chili... melted cheeze... some of that black bean/baby corn mix, salsa, fuckin guacamole, sour cream...lettuce n tomatos and jalePEN0zzz...   TWO pilez of chipz...
and it was all good hahah.
dude had that shit on the table in less than 10 minutes!! it was a FUCKIN FEAST DUDE:


(rofl at the shining beacon of sour cream in 1st pic, LOL)

I also ordered a frozen strawberry martini and it was ginormous... and gooooddd, lol.. strong.
then while I munched on salsa-cheezy-gaucamole-chili-sour cream n all sorts of stuff on torTiLLaz...I took out some of the excerpts I'd printed out and gave em to Tanya and Sheldon.  got amazing feedback from both of them. Sheldon was LOL'ing every 30-60 seconds.  Tanya said she couldn't wait to read more, like... asap. and that if was a book, that she would read it from start to finish and would not put it down.   I barely know this girl...  so I know her comment was genuine, and not just her being a good friend and saying it was awesome, or something.  Sheldon kept saying it was pure genius and $$ in the bank hahah.  and these were only rough drafts... so I couldn't hide my joy that they had liked them so much.  I hadn't shown my work to anyone aside from my teacher yet... who'd already given me some praise.  so... for my first feedback from peers...   I was kind of content with myself, I guess.   cuz I really didn't know if it was any good or not. 

but yeah.  :D  much joy and happiness was had as I devoured my incredible nacho buffet.  I had ohh so much fun putting all the diff stuff on some of them... dippin this one in here, dipping that one in there.... puttin some of this, some of that... and O SHIT those jalepenos were hot man.  hahah.    guhgugughgughhhhhhhh hmmmgghgmmmmm and the cheeeze ohhh mannn ghhh....

the only small cloud that darkened the mood for a little bit was when, while waiting for the rest of the dinner to get to the table... Sheldon had started to talk about this girl that he has recently been enamoured with. he's head over heels more of less... acts ridiculous around her, LITERALLY has been singing and dancing like every time I see him... the whole 9 yards, hah. He starts saying something like...
"It's astonishing.. I don't really understand it. How is it possible, that just by looking at her face, it can cause this dramatic of an effect on me? With just a simple movement of her eyebrow... or the corner of her mouth, I turn into this great big pile of... happy... GOO."
"How is that? I have never felt this way about anyone before. Not even my ex wife. How can just the mere sight of someone make you instantly happy like that?? It's like a drug! I don't know what to make of it! Have you ever heard of such a thing?"
and I felt the jovial expression melt off my face as I felt a little twinge of pain in my gut, and said,
"yeah.... actually... I do know what you mean. There is ... one person...that did exactly that, to me.  *long pause*  ....I'd never felt that way about anyone before either..."
Sheldon's eyes lit up as he understood, and he said "Oh!! Where IS the dude, anyway -- why isn't he here?! Get his ass down here!" and he nodded at my sidekick that was sitting on the table.
I smiled sadly and said "heh... guess I forgot to update you on that....." and stirred absently at the ice in my drink.
after a quiet few moments, as I stared into my martini, he gave me a clap on the hand and said, "It's ok Pinkster. Just stay focused, ok? We've got big things on the horizon for you."
he raised his glass; Tanya did too... and I smiled as that sadness washed away and said... "yeah dammit. it's time to blow the fuckin roof off this bitch."
and thennnnnn I downed the remaining half of my huuuge martini in about 3 seconds, and ordered another one on the rocks. hahah.
and we changed the subject to things like gettin sponsers & scholarships, and a couple of public apperances... funnn stuff :)

the fuckin hugeeeee smorgasboard of nachos was too much for me to finish entirely, but I polished off a good half of all the stuff in front of me. goddddaaayyummm it was good. excellent chili. I had some of Sheldon's black charred chicken and that was reaeeeaaaallly fuckin good too lol.

I wanted some fuckin dessert after that, so when the waitress came back, we said, alright, lets have the dessert menu. and she shakes her head for the second time that hour. "We don't have dessert...."

...*crickets*

what the FUCK kind of resteraunt/dinner establishment doesn't have a FUCKING DESSERT MENU!!??? or even like... ice cream or something? NOTHING? ...  hello?  money??
what the fuck....

I glared at her walking away and went off into a mini tyrade about the obsurdity that there were no dessert offerings whatsoever.

at this point it was almost 11 though and as we all know (if you're from around here lol) this beautiful city and all of its little outskirts start closing shit down between 9-10 - so there was pretty much no place we could have gone to get some fuckin' dessert. sooooo we trudged back to the car, but on the way back to my area, we passed by an open convienient store and Sheldon pulled over and gave me 20 bucks to go find some dessert in there. hahah. He wanted 2 pistachio chocolate candybars for himself.. I had nooo clue what he was talking about.

Tanya and I went runnin into the store (well... I was running... she was walking.... hahaha) and I kinda ran up and down the aisles... like a kid in a candy store!
unfortunately, this store kinda FUCKIN SUCKED... didn't have much of a selection of dessert type stuff AT ALL. =/ I got a moon pie though, and a bunch of candy haha... including some Kinder chocolate, w00t w00t. :)
I did find Sheldon's pistachio thing... I couldn't believe they had it, as I'd never even heard of it... but they only had 1. laaaAamme.

but yea, got back to the car and ripped the shit open, I was happy again, at least we did get some kinda dessert! :D I shoulda asked him for a piece of his pistachio candy bar... hmmm I'll have to try it sometime cuz I bet it's yummmmy.

we continued along the way, eating and laughing about our "dessert".   hehe.    then after just a few more minutes... the chariot arrived at da cribbbbb.... hehe
then, after I got out the car, Sheldon and Tanya both got out too and each gave me hugs and congratulated me. awwwWWW ...that was awesome  =)

yeah... I was pretty happy when I got in. I was all rambling in IMs to C$ while I was laying down, haha. I really couldn't move a lot - I filled my tummy to the MAX dude. hahah. I talked so much about my candy it made him go out and walk like 8 blocks to a CVS and get some of his own. lol.


so yea last night was pretty fuckin fun. yay =D

this evening I went to a free metal show over at Tufts. I'd never been on their campus before -- uhhh... it's pretty LARGE. took awhile to find the... Oxfam cafe (hahahaha I remember when I did fundraising for Oxfam!! hahaha) ...the show was aight, nothing spectacular, but I didn't spend a goddamned dime on it so.. yeah. it's good to get out of the house sometimes. and today was nice out so I wasn't wearing that heavy ass jacket either - pretty pleased about that, I must say. I really reeeeally hope I'll be able to pack it into the closet again soon for a long vacation. plzplzplzzzzz

oh yeah!! daylight savings on Sunday! WOOT!! dude yaaaaay. there's light at the end of the tunnel =) I'm like... a hermit crab coming out of its shell! a butterfly almost ready to break out of it's cocoon!
WOOHOO!!! FUCK YOU GODDAMNED FUCKIN COLD ASS NEW ENGLAND MOTHERFUCKIN LONG-ASS   WINTER!!!!! dieee!
hahah yeah...
I'm a wee bit excited.
things can only get better from here man.... even if some things start to get out of balance.... as a whole... things can only go UP man.

this summer is going to RULE.

w00t! k...nite niteyz!! :D

x0x0x