ever tired of this constant weight upon my back
every day, slowly, subtly crushing
the will to breathe
bleak hopelessness, sadly gaze ahead and know
there are many long days ahead
(totally unrelated)




... I was gonna write about this a couple days ago actually, something I've been meaning to write about.
then today another related occurance has just unveiled itself and although I'm going to be late to work, I have to write about it now.


I guess I still have some of the power... some IS left.. to attain some things... sometimes. I am becoming rather fucking amazed by it for I thought it had dissapeared.
About 6 months ago I realized that I needed more friends like me. to be specific... more water friends... as I had none, except for one of my friends from high school, and my mother, who are both Cancer. so I kinda had the Cancer part covered already........I'd never had a good Pisces friend and somehow knew that was what I needed....
weeks and months went by but now...
4 of the 5 people I have just met and befriended recently are Pisces. the other is a Scorpio.... and I've even gained a Pisces as my lawyer...
I'm becoming good friends with all of them. (and Before this group of people I became close with another Scorpio, and an Aquarius!)
I wanted Pisces, and holy shit did I get some fuckin Pisces. heh.


I also began to wish for a helpful person to come along (again)... specifically... to help me with my web endeavors... and in the most unexpected of places, during a night I was dancin at the club... I met that person (water!).... albiet, his time is short and can only help me so much, but I am so sooo very grateful for any help at all. he is helping me with stuff right now and I'm finally going to be able to get some things back in order again.. :)

the other.... the other thing... now this shit is just fucking insane. this is the part that has me freaked out. I wished for this one too and the first time it came true (about a month ago) I was in awe for quite some time... but now... just an hour ago... it's happened again and my mind is blown wide open dude.

I wanted so much to have friends near me again. Not just friends, but people to work with. OMG this is so fucked up.....
since I don't have easy transportation anywhere, I wanted to have someone within walking distance of me.... that I could come and chill with whenever I wanted, or they could come and chill with me......
I even.. .fleetingly.... thought of a specific location... an EXACT BUILDING and thought, "it'd be nice to even have someone... right there...."
and it fuckin happened dude.
The Scorpio friend I have met... lives in THAT BUILDING.
now I don't live in a hugely populated town. It doesn't have much going for it... and I wished for that building sort of like a "yeahh... right about... there... that would be fuckin cool.. but no.. I've never known anyone there before... *sigh..."

that fuckin building. the EXACT spot. this building isn't very big. the whole time I've lived in this area I never knew anyone in it. .....holy fuck. that was profound enough.....
and now... the photographer that I wished to be close to... so that we could work together all the time... and have it be fun and relaxed and... someone I could trust...
he's appeared. someone I worked with a long time ago... and happened to fall back into contact with... on FB of all places.
we made plans to work again, I asked where he was at now... and just read his email to me....
he moved up the street from my fucking house.

...
holy fuck.

I really am blown away. I'm almost in shock, actually.
I was already amazed by the 2 other things - water people being given to me... and then, someone in the EXACT location that I had wanted....
and now this...
wow.
that's all I can say right now is just... wow dude.

the only part that doesn't fit was the other thing I have been longfully wishing for... and that was a simple yet deep one... just to be happy and have an awesome, loving....relationship. A few months ago I thought I was being granted that wish and thought there was a new beginning. My days had rays of sunshine again even when it was dark and raining, it didn't matter. I was so happy and felt like things had turned onto a new page... a new beginning, *I* sure fuckin felt that way about it, myself anyway. but I guess the other person didn't, and too quickly did the happiness wear off for him. much too quickly, before it was just back to the way things were before.. it wasn't special... or anything to be cherished... I was just there, another part of their apparently unhappy life... I didn't stand out. I saw this clearly but maintained hope.. and happiness, just happy for the chance to be next to him. to be with him... just to....look at him. it made me happy.
but nothing had changed for him, and one person can still only be half, and sometimes maybe a little more of the whole... but not all it.
and it didn't last. finally it broke me down after trying to hold on for awhile and just ignore it.. and the reaction I was met with..... only fed into the jagged gap between us....

so... instead of getting that wish, I got the opposite. I wonder if perhaps it had to be that way because maybe there wasn't a way I could have my wish, with that person...

because I know that when you wish hard enough for something... you will get it.... and these other things are nothing, but proof of that.

but for now... I am just so happy... truly... that my other ones are coming true. I am thankful to the universe. and thankful for the power... to be at least somewhat... in control of this life I have been given. and I am all done wishing for anything else right now. The genie has been good to me and I am not one to be greedy :)


... I'm an hour late to work now but I had to get that down...
andddd... on sunday I'm doing a test shoot with my new/old photographer friend... who lives right in my neighborhood now... :)

omg I AM SO HAPPY.... SO fucking happy dude.
wow :)